Since having my second c-section 18 months ago, I've often found myself searching the local independant midwives, sussing out the prices and how supportive they seem of HBA2C. My searching seems to come and go in phases and obviously is linked directly to how I'm feeling at the time about my obstetric past and my HBAC desires. It peaked after my nephew was born 3 months ago then settled down again. It's starting to re-emerge as hubby and I discuss our third bubba with more seriousness. The plan was to start trying in August next year after my sister's wedding but I'm starting to think I want to try before then. I finally feel ready for another baby, not just another go at birth. I still want to wait a little bit. I plan to have my first decent New Years Eve in four years, haha. So January at the earliest (and for anyone reading this that actually knows me, please don't share that info!).
Anyways, back to the point. Over the past 18 months I've probably sent 10 or so emails to various midwives or midwifery practices. Not one, not a single freakin one, emailed me back. Not 18 months ago when I was asking for someone to give me just a little bit of hope that one day I might bounce back and not three months ago when I started giving some very serious thought to HBAC. I know I could've called, but I just find emailing easier. I don't often get enough time to myself at an appropriate time (aka, NOT 1am), and I just find it easier to have everything in writing so I can refer back to it. So, yeah, no-one returned my emails.
Until yesterday. A LOVELY woman who I did end up talking to on the phone. She told me that her practice doesn't actually do homebirths but gave me the name of another midwife to contact. She didn't even have anything to gain from getting back to me. I wasn't going to be hiring her because she couldn't offer what I wanted, but she took the time to email to ask for my number, then call. Then call back when I couldn't talk the first time. Then call back when she had to leave a voicemail the second time and I hadn't yet returned her call. All just to help me.
So, I emailed the midwife she recommended and had a return email within about an hour: "happy to support HBA2C". I can't explain how I felt when I read that. With all the politics around homebirth at the minute, I was just expecting to hit brick wall after brick wall, and to add to that, I'd started to think no-one even cared enough to email back. So the journey starts. I sent in today to get my medical records from the hospital where I had my 2 c-sections. Once they get here I will make an appointment to go through them with the midwife and see what we can change this time. I'm so glad that she is working with me *before* even trying to conceive again. It just makes sense and I guess it kinda shows me that she is as eager for me to succeed as I am.
I am just so excited that I am starting to do something pro-active and so scared about how it's all going to work out. I've got a long way to go, but you canbe damn sure I'm going to get there!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Something has changed within me
Another song has been playing over and over on my iPhone. Another Glee song at that! Haha. And every time I hear it, the lyrics sum up a lot of what I feel about my births (past and future) just like Rolling in the Deep. I guess it's fair to say that it's pretty self-explanatory why the lyrics have the effect they do. Maybe I'm developing my birth play-list without even realising it!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Jerks!
Ugh. I'm so over it. There is a lot going on at the minute in terms of home birth, especially related to birthing at home after a previous ceasarean. Basically, there is a call for women not to be allowed to home birth after a ceasarean. The reasoning is that it is too risky. I'm not going to go into the stats and research that tell us that the additional risks are minimal (and comparable to those involved in undergoing a repeat ceasarean). More importantly, I think, is the fact that we are talking about women's rights here. Women should be able to weigh up the risks and make a decision themselves. THey should have access to a qualified individual (i.e. a midwife) who can (legally, while remaining registered AND insured) provide the relevant information so they can compare the risks and benefits. Women should NOT have their choices dictated by some pompous arsehole (whoever that might be), who stares blankly past the statistics right into the business that is made by hospital births, in particular surgical births. I would NEVER choose to homebirth if I did not think it was a safe choice for me and my baby.
It just makes me so angry that I'm willing to fork out a SHIT load of money so I can have a go at the kind of birth I want, but there's a damn good chance it will be ripped out from underneath me before I even get close. Where is the freedom of choice?
My options are very likely to be either returning to the hospital, a thought that even now provokes anxiety and makes my eyes fill up with tears, birth unassisted, a choice that scares the crap outta me, or find a midwife who is willing to risk their professional life.
It sucks.
I'd written letters and sent emails lobbying for the cause, but really, I was just kidding myself. They don't care. They aren't gonna change their minds no matter how many women write in.
Ugh... so angry, so frustrated, and so over it!
It just makes me so angry that I'm willing to fork out a SHIT load of money so I can have a go at the kind of birth I want, but there's a damn good chance it will be ripped out from underneath me before I even get close. Where is the freedom of choice?
My options are very likely to be either returning to the hospital, a thought that even now provokes anxiety and makes my eyes fill up with tears, birth unassisted, a choice that scares the crap outta me, or find a midwife who is willing to risk their professional life.
It sucks.
I'd written letters and sent emails lobbying for the cause, but really, I was just kidding myself. They don't care. They aren't gonna change their minds no matter how many women write in.
Ugh... so angry, so frustrated, and so over it!
Monday, September 5, 2011
I wish it was August already!
Feeling all mixed up tonight... I know that waiting til August next year to try for another baby is the best thing for a number of reasons, but I just wish I was ready now. I'm so ready to be pregnant. I'm so ready to go through it all again. But, I am still not ready for another baby.
If it did happen, I know I'd be rapt and I know we'd make it work and for that reason I almost want to just let myself go and do it all now... it'd be ok and I'd be ok.
Blah.
If it did happen, I know I'd be rapt and I know we'd make it work and for that reason I almost want to just let myself go and do it all now... it'd be ok and I'd be ok.
Blah.
Monday, August 1, 2011
My first caesarean
The story of my first caesarean isn't particularly dramatic, but it is mine. If I was writing this story 2 years ago, it would probably be a bit different. But now, knowing what I do, I see things in a new light.
My first pregnancy was amazing. I loved every single minute of it. Sure there were things that were slightly less than pleasant; some mild morning sickness, rib pain, difficulty getting comfortable and all that jazz, but I was so in awe of what was happening that those things were barely bothersome. I loved watching my belly grow, talking about baby names, buying bits and peices and wondering whether we were having a boy or a girl.
I never once imagined myself having a caesarean. I was young, slightly overweight but not too significant, not amazingly fit either but fit enough. I just never imagined being cut open to have my baby delivered. Now, I can't say that I really thought much about labour either. I knew what it was, how it worked and all that, but I never wrote a birth plan. I figured I'd just let things happen. The midwives at the hospital would be able to talk me through it. I packed my hospital bag at 35 weeks complete with things I thought I might want in labour. I unpacked and repacked that bag several times over the following weeks.
I went for all my appointments. No concerns. At 36 weeks, the appointments became weekly. Still, throughout my whole pregnancy, I had not seen the same midwife twice. I had a different midwife each appointment. At 38 weeks, 5 days I saw a midwife named Rebecca. She was the same age as I was and we had a nice little chat. She said she wasn't 100% sure about bub's position but had a good feel and declared "head down and engaged". She was a bit unsure at first whether she couldn't find the head because bubs was breech or because bubs was so far engaged. She decided it was the latter.
That's the first time I'd been let down by the hospital staff.
The following week, I saw Rebecca again. The same midwife for the first time in 9 months. Whether or not she planned it that way to double check bubs position because of her hesitations the previous week I will never know. I think it is possible since she encouraged me to take an afternoon appointment which I had never done, and she happened to be working the afternoon shift. Anyways, I wont dwell on that.
She had some concerns with my blood pressure and again, bub's positioning, so I was sent off the fetal monitoring. They did an ultrasound straight away and found that bubs was, in fact, breech. I then sat through 4 hours of monitoring to make sure everything was ok due to my blood pressure which had come straight down anyway.
I left that appointment with a new appointment for a caesarean section the following morning. My daughter was delivered the day before her "due" date at 11:06am. The procedure was fine. I threw up at one point, and I did have to spend half an hour away from my daughter while I waited in recovery but I did get a hold before that (although she was all wrapped up). I spend 4 nights in hospital and for the most part the staff were fine. There was one midwife who was quite rude, but nothing extreme.
All in all, I left the hospital satisfied that everything had been done as it needed to be.
It's not a hard story for me to tell, but I do regret not doing my research. I know now that vaginal breech is more than possible. I can't help but feel that if I had done my research and managed to have my daughter vaginally, then I wouldn't have faced the battle I did to VBAC with my son and then perhaps, I would not have failed then.
Perhaps I would've had that skin to skin contact that sounds like a dream. I have not had that with either of my babies and it's something that sticks in the back of mind. This amazing experience of a fresh little bubba being popped straight onto my chest ready to nurse as he/she desires. Instead, my daughter was pulled from my stomach and dangled in front of me while they clamped the cord. We saw that she was a girl before she was whipped away to be rubbed all over vigorously by a rough towel (she was crying quite clearly when she came out) and wrapped up in the towel before having her handed to me to hold in some awkward position supported by my husband. I held her for about 5 seconds before I had to have her taken away so I could throw up. I got her back while they sewed me up but then off to recovery while she spent a good hald hour sucking her fists waiting for that first feed.
It wasn't a traumatic experience but I just can't help but wonder what could've been.
My first pregnancy was amazing. I loved every single minute of it. Sure there were things that were slightly less than pleasant; some mild morning sickness, rib pain, difficulty getting comfortable and all that jazz, but I was so in awe of what was happening that those things were barely bothersome. I loved watching my belly grow, talking about baby names, buying bits and peices and wondering whether we were having a boy or a girl.
I never once imagined myself having a caesarean. I was young, slightly overweight but not too significant, not amazingly fit either but fit enough. I just never imagined being cut open to have my baby delivered. Now, I can't say that I really thought much about labour either. I knew what it was, how it worked and all that, but I never wrote a birth plan. I figured I'd just let things happen. The midwives at the hospital would be able to talk me through it. I packed my hospital bag at 35 weeks complete with things I thought I might want in labour. I unpacked and repacked that bag several times over the following weeks.
I went for all my appointments. No concerns. At 36 weeks, the appointments became weekly. Still, throughout my whole pregnancy, I had not seen the same midwife twice. I had a different midwife each appointment. At 38 weeks, 5 days I saw a midwife named Rebecca. She was the same age as I was and we had a nice little chat. She said she wasn't 100% sure about bub's position but had a good feel and declared "head down and engaged". She was a bit unsure at first whether she couldn't find the head because bubs was breech or because bubs was so far engaged. She decided it was the latter.
That's the first time I'd been let down by the hospital staff.
The following week, I saw Rebecca again. The same midwife for the first time in 9 months. Whether or not she planned it that way to double check bubs position because of her hesitations the previous week I will never know. I think it is possible since she encouraged me to take an afternoon appointment which I had never done, and she happened to be working the afternoon shift. Anyways, I wont dwell on that.
She had some concerns with my blood pressure and again, bub's positioning, so I was sent off the fetal monitoring. They did an ultrasound straight away and found that bubs was, in fact, breech. I then sat through 4 hours of monitoring to make sure everything was ok due to my blood pressure which had come straight down anyway.
I left that appointment with a new appointment for a caesarean section the following morning. My daughter was delivered the day before her "due" date at 11:06am. The procedure was fine. I threw up at one point, and I did have to spend half an hour away from my daughter while I waited in recovery but I did get a hold before that (although she was all wrapped up). I spend 4 nights in hospital and for the most part the staff were fine. There was one midwife who was quite rude, but nothing extreme.
All in all, I left the hospital satisfied that everything had been done as it needed to be.
It's not a hard story for me to tell, but I do regret not doing my research. I know now that vaginal breech is more than possible. I can't help but feel that if I had done my research and managed to have my daughter vaginally, then I wouldn't have faced the battle I did to VBAC with my son and then perhaps, I would not have failed then.
Perhaps I would've had that skin to skin contact that sounds like a dream. I have not had that with either of my babies and it's something that sticks in the back of mind. This amazing experience of a fresh little bubba being popped straight onto my chest ready to nurse as he/she desires. Instead, my daughter was pulled from my stomach and dangled in front of me while they clamped the cord. We saw that she was a girl before she was whipped away to be rubbed all over vigorously by a rough towel (she was crying quite clearly when she came out) and wrapped up in the towel before having her handed to me to hold in some awkward position supported by my husband. I held her for about 5 seconds before I had to have her taken away so I could throw up. I got her back while they sewed me up but then off to recovery while she spent a good hald hour sucking her fists waiting for that first feed.
It wasn't a traumatic experience but I just can't help but wonder what could've been.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Some sort of middle ground
I've reached a point where I am content to wait for our next baby. I have a small list of things I want to happen before we start trying for our third. If I did find myself pregnant, I would be ecstatic. I'd love to be ready, but I know that now is not the right time to deliberately try to bring another child into our family. I'm itching for it to be the right time, but I'm much happier with waiting then I was two weeks ago.
So, for my list! Some things are out of my control, but I'll list them anyways (I can always dream, right?). I've also tried to list in order of importance, although, it wasn't always black and white.
- Enough in our savings for me to birth at home without feeling guilty about spending the money
- Our house needs to be extended. We've just bought a two bedroom house and our two kids already share a room. Of course, it would be do-able to fit three kids in here, but not ideal. We have a back-up plan that involves a single room addition using our backyard space, but we'd much rather be able to build a second story.
- I'd love for my son to be sleeping through the night (yeah right!)
- I want to be healthier. I usually focus on my weight, but I am finding myself more and more focused on just being healthy and getting fit - Giving me the best chance of getting the birth I want.
I thought the list was larger but I realised that there are a few things that are not really part of that list, but I might as well make the most of the time it takes for all of the above to fall in place. The main one being that my sister is getting married in August next year, so I figure I might as well make the most of not being ready just yet to enjoy the preparation/lead up and the actual event itself.
So, I'm focusing on saving more and being healthier. That will lead to three of the things on my list. As for DS sleeping through the night (sighs loudly), I just can't imagine it.
So, after all that, I'm still totally obsessed... off to start a list of questions to ask my midwife in a year's time!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Confused...
Last night, I went to the Maternity Coalition movie night as planned. I was full of anxiety on my way there. no idea what to expect, although I was certain I would bawl my eyes out. They played "It's my body, my baby, my birth", then the interviews that went with it. There was a talk from a midwife from the Mercy Hospital Birthing Centre, then some amateur film makers showed a preview of what they are working on.
I didn't cry. I was very surprised. I felt a whole range of emotions but I managed to keep them to myself.
So the confusion? I want another baby. No, actually, I'm not ready for that. Not emotionally, not physically, and not financially. Right now, I want another pregnancy, and another shot at a natural birth. So I'm confused, because what if I'm never ready for another baby? But I have such a deep longing to be pregnant and give birth. I'm actually quite sure I'd "deal" with another baby just to get the birth I want. Of course I'd be ecstatic about having a baby. I love my children and I'd love to have another, but the thought of three kids scares the proverbial outta me. I feel like my head is spinning around in circles. How on earth am I going to know, when the time comes, that I am making the choice to have another baby for the right reasons. And then what if I don't get the birth I want. Am I just going to keep trying until I do? Produce my own little flock of children just so I can experience a natural child-birth. And then, when/if I do get that experience I am searching for, what if it doesn't do for me what I am expecting it to? What if I'm left feeling totally underwhelmed with the whole shabang?
Blech. I just don't know what to think.
I didn't cry. I was very surprised. I felt a whole range of emotions but I managed to keep them to myself.
So the confusion? I want another baby. No, actually, I'm not ready for that. Not emotionally, not physically, and not financially. Right now, I want another pregnancy, and another shot at a natural birth. So I'm confused, because what if I'm never ready for another baby? But I have such a deep longing to be pregnant and give birth. I'm actually quite sure I'd "deal" with another baby just to get the birth I want. Of course I'd be ecstatic about having a baby. I love my children and I'd love to have another, but the thought of three kids scares the proverbial outta me. I feel like my head is spinning around in circles. How on earth am I going to know, when the time comes, that I am making the choice to have another baby for the right reasons. And then what if I don't get the birth I want. Am I just going to keep trying until I do? Produce my own little flock of children just so I can experience a natural child-birth. And then, when/if I do get that experience I am searching for, what if it doesn't do for me what I am expecting it to? What if I'm left feeling totally underwhelmed with the whole shabang?
Blech. I just don't know what to think.
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