As I get closer and closer to the big event, I find myself wanting to write more about it. I'm 37+2 today and things are definitely gearing up. Braxton hicks are getting more and more intense, and I just feel... different. Like my body is gearing up or winding down... I can't decide.
I know it doesn't give any indication of when I will actually go into labour, but I can just feel that something's coming (apparently, a baby!). I can't explain it any other way. I just feel strange.
As excited as I am each time another intense braxton hicks contraction hits, I am really hoping bubs stays in at least until Thursday so I have the birthing pool. I can't help but feel like I'll actually be a bit disappointed if I have to birth out of the pool. It's all I imagine. I'm sure at the end of the day, it will be fine without the pool too! I've also got tickets to Twilight on the 17th so if bubs wants to stay in until then, he/she is more than welcome!
I think I have everything sorted and all in one place: the towels, the straws, the plastic sheets etc. I went through it again today and double crossed everything off my list. Only a couple of less-than-essential items to add.
Have also decided that instead of encapsulating my placenta, I'm going to do placenta smoothies. I've heard of these a million times and always been totally grossed out by the thought. But with the price associated with encapsulation, it's just not going to be an option. My midwives are happy to chop up my placenta and freeze it for me so that I just need to pop a bit in with my smoothie and I won't even taste it. Still kind of grosses me out and I probably will only do it if baby blues hit or something like that. Maybe I'll save it for when my PMS strikes again, although I'm hoping I get another 9+ month reprieve like the last two times!
Only other news is that I'm somewhat worried about bub's position at the minute. I can normally get a good handle on how he/she is lying but at the minute, there seems to be baby everywhere in there. I'm worried he/she may be transverse. But, as hubby said, there's no point worrying for now. I'm keeping up with my optimal fetal positioning and that's all I can really do. Will just have to wait for my next appointment and see what the MW thinks.
Eep! Getting so excited! I'm gonna rock this damn birth and I can't wait to shout it from the roof tops!!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Update
So, it's been a while since I've posted anything so though I'd better update!
At the birth plan meeting, one of the midwives asked me if there was anything specifically worrying me as it may get in the way of labour/birth if I was dwelling on something. Although I am a bit worried about some of the things that might happen, there are no specifics. One day I might worry about rupture, the next about not dilating, the next about tearing and so on. Probably, my biggest concern is that I'm going to go into labour before the birth pool is here at 38 weeks, or after it's been picked up at 42 weeks. I can't imagine home birth without it being a waterbirth. Guess I better have a back up plan just in case!
I'm now 36w 2d with this bubba. I feel huge, but I love it. I absolutely love being pregnant but at the same time, I think this might be my last. I want more pregnancies, but I just don't think I'm up for more than three kids. Plenty of time to decide that though!
Home birth plans are going well. We had our birth plan meeting the other day and it was good. I'd been trying to find time to sit down with hubby for a few days prior to the meeting, just to make sure we were both on the same page. He just seemed to be avoiding it. When we finally got a chance, the first thing he said was "you know I'm really nervous about this". And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. I overreacted and shut down thinking all my hard work was going to be thrown out the window. Of course he's nervous though! I'm freaking nervous. The what-ifs do plague me at times.
At the birth plan meeting, one of the midwives asked me if there was anything specifically worrying me as it may get in the way of labour/birth if I was dwelling on something. Although I am a bit worried about some of the things that might happen, there are no specifics. One day I might worry about rupture, the next about not dilating, the next about tearing and so on. Probably, my biggest concern is that I'm going to go into labour before the birth pool is here at 38 weeks, or after it's been picked up at 42 weeks. I can't imagine home birth without it being a waterbirth. Guess I better have a back up plan just in case!
We've decided that DD who will be 5 in February may be there for the birth. If everything is running smoothly, and she's not too freaked out, or getting in the way, then I'd love to have her there. If she's there, we will let her discover baby's gender. I really like that idea. And although I'm perfectly happy with a boy, I'd love for her to discover she had a little sister!
We've pretty much settled on names, but I'll be keeping them a secret for now.
Mostly I'm just excited. In my heart, all I see is a perfect homebirth. Hubby and me just doing our thing with the midwives there somewhere. I don't see them when I picture the whole thing. But if I think about it too much, I do start to worry about things not going as planned. I worry about afterwards, how I'll cope and how I'll get back on track. The main thing that helped me last time, was knowing I would try again and planning this healing birth. But thinking this may be our last bub, I may not have that to fall back on. And that's the thing that terrifies me the most.
But for now, I'll stay positive and cling to what I see when I picture the big day. I can't wait!!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
A lot has changed
It's obviously been a while subscribe posted anything. We got rid of our computer and posting from my phone is frustrated. But I decided to just do. Things have changed. A lot! I am 13 weeks pregnant! We have a lovely midwife and are planning a home birth. I'm not really scared anymore. I'm a bit anxious that it won't go to plan but I'm refusing to focus on that at the moment.
I've had a few interesting moments so far. At 5 weeks I had some pretty nasty pain and went to get a scan to make sure bubs was not in the wrong place. Too early to see a heart beat or anything really but everything was where it should be.
Last week I had another ultrasound. At 12 weeks, I was measuring 16 in terms of fundal height. The midwife said it is fairly normal for a third pregnancy but wanted to make sure there was only one in there all the same. So off I went, and we saw one little bub with everything measuring perfectly for dates. Just me that's big :)
So that's where we are at right now. Things are moving along, I am feeling huge for 13 weeks and I'm pretty exhausted! But I'm excited for the journey we are on :D
I've had a few interesting moments so far. At 5 weeks I had some pretty nasty pain and went to get a scan to make sure bubs was not in the wrong place. Too early to see a heart beat or anything really but everything was where it should be.
Last week I had another ultrasound. At 12 weeks, I was measuring 16 in terms of fundal height. The midwife said it is fairly normal for a third pregnancy but wanted to make sure there was only one in there all the same. So off I went, and we saw one little bub with everything measuring perfectly for dates. Just me that's big :)
So that's where we are at right now. Things are moving along, I am feeling huge for 13 weeks and I'm pretty exhausted! But I'm excited for the journey we are on :D
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Feel kinda like a fraud
My medical records came the other day. It wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like I'm making the whole birth trauma thing up... pretending it was worse than it really was. But other times, when it hits hard, I feel like I'm drowning.
The thing that made me most angry when I was reading my file was not what I expected. Sure, it annoyed me that it's documented that I asked for pain relief (when in fact it was offered to me, despite it also being documented that I did not want any pain relief offered), and frustrating that in fact, it's recorded that I dilated to 8-9cm, but the worst bit is the straight out inaccuracies in there. For example, my notes say that I have had three pregnancies, two babies. I have only ever been pregnant twice and have two wonderful children to show for it. There is also a page of some random's notes mixed in with mine. Blah... can't be bothered being annoyed anymore!
On a different note, our plans have changed again. I've been offered a job, due to start in January. It would be silly of me to get pregnant without giving myself enough time to be eligible for maternity leave. So, back to waiting a little longer.
I'm also scared that my next pregnancy will be my last. I think we'll probably have more, but I'm not sure. The thought of ever experiencing my last pregnancy makes me so sad. I wish I could just get pregnant over and over again. I love the anticipation, the movements, the belly... everything! So I'm also torn between wanting to be pregnant NOW and wanting to wait so I at least know that one day, I'll be pregnant again. Sigh
And, totally off topic... I need a bigger bed. Our two munchkins sneak in with us sometime in the middle of the night and I love it, but it is squishy. A bigger bed would be nice!!
The thing that made me most angry when I was reading my file was not what I expected. Sure, it annoyed me that it's documented that I asked for pain relief (when in fact it was offered to me, despite it also being documented that I did not want any pain relief offered), and frustrating that in fact, it's recorded that I dilated to 8-9cm, but the worst bit is the straight out inaccuracies in there. For example, my notes say that I have had three pregnancies, two babies. I have only ever been pregnant twice and have two wonderful children to show for it. There is also a page of some random's notes mixed in with mine. Blah... can't be bothered being annoyed anymore!
On a different note, our plans have changed again. I've been offered a job, due to start in January. It would be silly of me to get pregnant without giving myself enough time to be eligible for maternity leave. So, back to waiting a little longer.
I'm also scared that my next pregnancy will be my last. I think we'll probably have more, but I'm not sure. The thought of ever experiencing my last pregnancy makes me so sad. I wish I could just get pregnant over and over again. I love the anticipation, the movements, the belly... everything! So I'm also torn between wanting to be pregnant NOW and wanting to wait so I at least know that one day, I'll be pregnant again. Sigh
And, totally off topic... I need a bigger bed. Our two munchkins sneak in with us sometime in the middle of the night and I love it, but it is squishy. A bigger bed would be nice!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Just a ramble
It's kind of funny; starting this blog before I even try to conceive again. I feel like I have so much to get out but almost like it's not worth writing about. I think I need to remember that in the end, this is for me to read back over and is a record of how I approach this healing birth, so no matter how trivial my thoughts may seem, if I want to get them out I should.
At the minute I am playing the waiting game. My medical records are on their way. I got a letter on Thursday confirming my photocopying payment had been received and that my file was in the photocopying pile. I have no idea how big that pile is but I think I'll ring on Monday or Tuesday to find out. I am scared. I don't know what my labour with my son looked like from the outside. I'm also scared that reading it all will make everything fresh again. Of course it will! I'm not looking forward to reading how far I got in terms of dilation. For some reason I was sure I got to 4cm. But reading back over my birth story the other day, I'd written 8cm. Makes it so much worse that I was 2 freaking cm away from being fully dilated and I failed. 2cm. Not 6cm like I'd thought. 2cm seems like nothing. 2cm is nothing.
Hubby and I also had a moment of "screw this, let's just have a baby now". I am close to certain that I was past being fertile for this month but I guess we'll wait and see. I doubt I am pregnant but it's still confusing. Part of me hopes so badly I am, and another part doesn't know how to cope with the thought that I might be.
At the minute I am playing the waiting game. My medical records are on their way. I got a letter on Thursday confirming my photocopying payment had been received and that my file was in the photocopying pile. I have no idea how big that pile is but I think I'll ring on Monday or Tuesday to find out. I am scared. I don't know what my labour with my son looked like from the outside. I'm also scared that reading it all will make everything fresh again. Of course it will! I'm not looking forward to reading how far I got in terms of dilation. For some reason I was sure I got to 4cm. But reading back over my birth story the other day, I'd written 8cm. Makes it so much worse that I was 2 freaking cm away from being fully dilated and I failed. 2cm. Not 6cm like I'd thought. 2cm seems like nothing. 2cm is nothing.
Hubby and I also had a moment of "screw this, let's just have a baby now". I am close to certain that I was past being fertile for this month but I guess we'll wait and see. I doubt I am pregnant but it's still confusing. Part of me hopes so badly I am, and another part doesn't know how to cope with the thought that I might be.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The fears that plague me
Have been talking a bit more with hubby this past week about the whole home birth thing. He supports me because it is what I want to do, but I need to know that he wants to do it for his own reasons. I need him to support me with everything he has not just the part of him that wants me to be happy. We spoke about some of our fears and I figure one of the best ways to work through them is to get them out in the open.
1) I am terrified I will end up with another c-section. That we will pay all that money and still end up back where we started. I'm worried that something will happen before labour starts that means a c-section is necessary. I don't know how I would cope with the remainder of my pregnancy knowing I was heading back into the operating theatre rather than a pool in my loungeroom. I'm trying to work through the fact that it may happen and that my aim here isn't a vaginal birth, it's a birth where I feel empowered and in control, a birth where I make the decisions and am happy with them before, during and after.
2) I am terrified that everything will go perfectly, but it will be one big fat let down. That I'll be left wondering what the big deal was and why I cared so much. I spoke to the midwife about that fear and she assured me that none of the women she worked with for a VBAC ever felt disappointed. On the contrary, it meants so much more because they had worked so much harder.
3) I am terrified something will happen to the baby and people will blame me for homebirthing. I'm terrified that if something did happen, hubby would blame me and I don't know that we'd get through something like that. I know that this fear can be resolved by talking it out with hubby now, making sure he is making his own decision to homebirth, that he understands that bad things can happen in hospitals too.
4) I am scared of uterine rupture or other complications that may result in me not being able to have more children. I can't imagine having a body that is incapable of carrying babies. Even when our family is complete, I will still love the knowledge of what my body can do.
5) I am scared that I will have an amazing support network and be all set, and someone will pull out at the last minute leaving me with the options of hospital birth or unassisted birth.
6) I am scared that before I even conceive, the midwifery legislation will change, preventing IM's from attending HBACs.
7) I am even terrified that when the time comes, I won't even be able to get pregnant. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to my uterus. I am terrified something went wrong at my last c-section and I won't be able to have more children.
8) I am terrified that when push comes to shove, we will not be able to afford a home birth.
I am NOT terrified of labour, the pain, pushing, birthing my baby. That, I know I can handle.
1) I am terrified I will end up with another c-section. That we will pay all that money and still end up back where we started. I'm worried that something will happen before labour starts that means a c-section is necessary. I don't know how I would cope with the remainder of my pregnancy knowing I was heading back into the operating theatre rather than a pool in my loungeroom. I'm trying to work through the fact that it may happen and that my aim here isn't a vaginal birth, it's a birth where I feel empowered and in control, a birth where I make the decisions and am happy with them before, during and after.
2) I am terrified that everything will go perfectly, but it will be one big fat let down. That I'll be left wondering what the big deal was and why I cared so much. I spoke to the midwife about that fear and she assured me that none of the women she worked with for a VBAC ever felt disappointed. On the contrary, it meants so much more because they had worked so much harder.
3) I am terrified something will happen to the baby and people will blame me for homebirthing. I'm terrified that if something did happen, hubby would blame me and I don't know that we'd get through something like that. I know that this fear can be resolved by talking it out with hubby now, making sure he is making his own decision to homebirth, that he understands that bad things can happen in hospitals too.
4) I am scared of uterine rupture or other complications that may result in me not being able to have more children. I can't imagine having a body that is incapable of carrying babies. Even when our family is complete, I will still love the knowledge of what my body can do.
5) I am scared that I will have an amazing support network and be all set, and someone will pull out at the last minute leaving me with the options of hospital birth or unassisted birth.
6) I am scared that before I even conceive, the midwifery legislation will change, preventing IM's from attending HBACs.
7) I am even terrified that when the time comes, I won't even be able to get pregnant. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to my uterus. I am terrified something went wrong at my last c-section and I won't be able to have more children.
8) I am terrified that when push comes to shove, we will not be able to afford a home birth.
I am NOT terrified of labour, the pain, pushing, birthing my baby. That, I know I can handle.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Excited and a little scared
Since having my second c-section 18 months ago, I've often found myself searching the local independant midwives, sussing out the prices and how supportive they seem of HBA2C. My searching seems to come and go in phases and obviously is linked directly to how I'm feeling at the time about my obstetric past and my HBAC desires. It peaked after my nephew was born 3 months ago then settled down again. It's starting to re-emerge as hubby and I discuss our third bubba with more seriousness. The plan was to start trying in August next year after my sister's wedding but I'm starting to think I want to try before then. I finally feel ready for another baby, not just another go at birth. I still want to wait a little bit. I plan to have my first decent New Years Eve in four years, haha. So January at the earliest (and for anyone reading this that actually knows me, please don't share that info!).
Anyways, back to the point. Over the past 18 months I've probably sent 10 or so emails to various midwives or midwifery practices. Not one, not a single freakin one, emailed me back. Not 18 months ago when I was asking for someone to give me just a little bit of hope that one day I might bounce back and not three months ago when I started giving some very serious thought to HBAC. I know I could've called, but I just find emailing easier. I don't often get enough time to myself at an appropriate time (aka, NOT 1am), and I just find it easier to have everything in writing so I can refer back to it. So, yeah, no-one returned my emails.
Until yesterday. A LOVELY woman who I did end up talking to on the phone. She told me that her practice doesn't actually do homebirths but gave me the name of another midwife to contact. She didn't even have anything to gain from getting back to me. I wasn't going to be hiring her because she couldn't offer what I wanted, but she took the time to email to ask for my number, then call. Then call back when I couldn't talk the first time. Then call back when she had to leave a voicemail the second time and I hadn't yet returned her call. All just to help me.
So, I emailed the midwife she recommended and had a return email within about an hour: "happy to support HBA2C". I can't explain how I felt when I read that. With all the politics around homebirth at the minute, I was just expecting to hit brick wall after brick wall, and to add to that, I'd started to think no-one even cared enough to email back. So the journey starts. I sent in today to get my medical records from the hospital where I had my 2 c-sections. Once they get here I will make an appointment to go through them with the midwife and see what we can change this time. I'm so glad that she is working with me *before* even trying to conceive again. It just makes sense and I guess it kinda shows me that she is as eager for me to succeed as I am.
I am just so excited that I am starting to do something pro-active and so scared about how it's all going to work out. I've got a long way to go, but you canbe damn sure I'm going to get there!
Anyways, back to the point. Over the past 18 months I've probably sent 10 or so emails to various midwives or midwifery practices. Not one, not a single freakin one, emailed me back. Not 18 months ago when I was asking for someone to give me just a little bit of hope that one day I might bounce back and not three months ago when I started giving some very serious thought to HBAC. I know I could've called, but I just find emailing easier. I don't often get enough time to myself at an appropriate time (aka, NOT 1am), and I just find it easier to have everything in writing so I can refer back to it. So, yeah, no-one returned my emails.
Until yesterday. A LOVELY woman who I did end up talking to on the phone. She told me that her practice doesn't actually do homebirths but gave me the name of another midwife to contact. She didn't even have anything to gain from getting back to me. I wasn't going to be hiring her because she couldn't offer what I wanted, but she took the time to email to ask for my number, then call. Then call back when I couldn't talk the first time. Then call back when she had to leave a voicemail the second time and I hadn't yet returned her call. All just to help me.
So, I emailed the midwife she recommended and had a return email within about an hour: "happy to support HBA2C". I can't explain how I felt when I read that. With all the politics around homebirth at the minute, I was just expecting to hit brick wall after brick wall, and to add to that, I'd started to think no-one even cared enough to email back. So the journey starts. I sent in today to get my medical records from the hospital where I had my 2 c-sections. Once they get here I will make an appointment to go through them with the midwife and see what we can change this time. I'm so glad that she is working with me *before* even trying to conceive again. It just makes sense and I guess it kinda shows me that she is as eager for me to succeed as I am.
I am just so excited that I am starting to do something pro-active and so scared about how it's all going to work out. I've got a long way to go, but you canbe damn sure I'm going to get there!
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