My medical records came the other day. It wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like I'm making the whole birth trauma thing up... pretending it was worse than it really was. But other times, when it hits hard, I feel like I'm drowning.
The thing that made me most angry when I was reading my file was not what I expected. Sure, it annoyed me that it's documented that I asked for pain relief (when in fact it was offered to me, despite it also being documented that I did not want any pain relief offered), and frustrating that in fact, it's recorded that I dilated to 8-9cm, but the worst bit is the straight out inaccuracies in there. For example, my notes say that I have had three pregnancies, two babies. I have only ever been pregnant twice and have two wonderful children to show for it. There is also a page of some random's notes mixed in with mine. Blah... can't be bothered being annoyed anymore!
On a different note, our plans have changed again. I've been offered a job, due to start in January. It would be silly of me to get pregnant without giving myself enough time to be eligible for maternity leave. So, back to waiting a little longer.
I'm also scared that my next pregnancy will be my last. I think we'll probably have more, but I'm not sure. The thought of ever experiencing my last pregnancy makes me so sad. I wish I could just get pregnant over and over again. I love the anticipation, the movements, the belly... everything! So I'm also torn between wanting to be pregnant NOW and wanting to wait so I at least know that one day, I'll be pregnant again. Sigh
And, totally off topic... I need a bigger bed. Our two munchkins sneak in with us sometime in the middle of the night and I love it, but it is squishy. A bigger bed would be nice!!
