Some sort of middle ground

I've reached a point where I am content to wait for our next baby. I have a small list of things I want to happen before we start trying for our third. If I did find myself pregnant, I would be ecstatic. I'd love to be ready, but I know that now is not the right time to deliberately try to bring another child into our family.  I'm itching for it to be the right time, but I'm much happier with waiting then I was two weeks ago.

So, for my list! Some things are out of my control, but I'll list them anyways (I can always dream, right?). I've also tried to list in order of importance, although, it wasn't always black and white.

• Enough in our savings for me to birth at home without feeling guilty about spending the money
• Our house needs to be extended. We've just bought a two bedroom house and our two kids already share a room. Of course, it would be do-able to fit three kids in here, but not ideal. We have a back-up plan that involves a single room addition using our backyard space, but we'd much rather be able to build a second story.
• I'd love for my son to be sleeping through the night (yeah right!)
• I want to be healthier. I usually focus on my weight, but I am finding myself more and more focused on just being healthy and getting fit - Giving me the best chance of getting the birth I want.

I thought the list was larger but I realised that there are a few things that are not really part of that list, but I might as well make the most of the time it takes for all of the above to fall in place. The main one being that my sister is getting married in August next year, so I figure I might as well make the most of not being ready just yet to enjoy the preparation/lead up and the actual event itself.

So, I'm focusing on saving more and being healthier. That will lead to three of the things on my list. As for DS sleeping through the night (sighs loudly), I just can't imagine it.

So, after all that, I'm still totally obsessed... off to start a list of questions to ask my midwife in a year's time!

Confused...

Last night, I went to the Maternity Coalition movie night as planned. I was full of anxiety on my way there. no idea what to expect, although I was certain I would bawl my eyes out. They played "It's my body, my baby, my birth", then the interviews that went with it. There was a talk from a midwife from the Mercy Hospital Birthing Centre, then some amateur film makers showed a preview of what they are working on.

I didn't cry. I was very surprised. I felt a whole range of emotions but I managed to keep them to myself.

So the confusion? I want another baby. No, actually, I'm not ready for that. Not emotionally, not physically, and not financially. Right now, I want another pregnancy, and another shot at a natural birth. So I'm confused, because what if I'm never ready for another baby? But I have such a deep longing to be pregnant and give birth. I'm actually quite sure I'd "deal" with another baby just to get the birth I want. Of course I'd be ecstatic about having a baby. I love my children and I'd love to have another, but the thought of three kids scares the proverbial outta me. I feel like my head is spinning around in circles. How on earth am I going to know, when the time comes, that I am making the choice to have another baby for the right reasons. And then what if I don't get the birth I want. Am I just going to keep trying until I do? Produce my own little flock of children just so I can experience a natural child-birth. And then, when/if I do get that experience I am searching for, what if it doesn't do for me what I am expecting it to? What if I'm left feeling totally underwhelmed with the whole shabang?

Blech. I just don't know what to think.

There's a Fire...

Ok, so what am I doing here? Who knows really. My son is 15 months old and I still hold a lot of negative emotions about his arrival. I managed to bury it all a few weeks after he was born. It was still there, but I kept it deep enough to ignore. Recently, it's all come flooding to the surface. I've done a lot of healing in the last two weeks, but it is only a very small fraction of what is to come. The biggest indicator to me that I have acheived anything is the title of this blog. It would have been "Journey to a VBAC" but that was taken. So I thought about it and really, what I need is not a VBAC. It's an empowering birth that I am satisfied with. A healing birth. I've been trying to start this blog for a while, but felt like I didn't really have anywhere to start. It was all personal thinking that was really just going around in circles, but tonight, I am heading to a movie night hosted by the Maternity Coalition and thought that maybe, there might be some things from there I want to document. So, here I am. Below you'll find some random thoughts. Please, don't be fooled into thinking that I will always be as deep, or as, erm... poetic? in my writing. I'm here to document my story. For my own records, so I can look back and see how far I've come, and for the remote possibility that someone may stumble across it and may discover something that may help them in their journey. I'd love to hear any questions, comments or anything really, so please don't hesitate to follow, and interact. I am a fairly open book.

I've been listening to Rolling in the Deep by Adele a lot lately (Ok, I confess, I've been listening to the Glee version actually). I'm finding I relate to a lot of the lyrics when it comes to my reason for starting this blog. I've been thinking about birth a lot lately.

"There's a fire, starting in my heart". I've discovered that this something I am very passionate about. I have two children. Both were delivered via caesarean section. I still can't bring myself to consider them "born". I didn't give birth to them. They were delivered. Thankfully, this hasn't affected the way I feel about them. At the time of my first caesarean, I believed it to be necessary, but I'm discovering the motivations behind caesareans aren't always in the interests of mother and baby.

"Finally, I can see you crystal clear". I see the medical profession for what it really is when it comes to pregnancy and birth. A business. Simple. Sure, they do come in handy now and then. I am not here to quote statistics (at least not yet), nor lay claims about the good, the bad and the ugly of the birthing business. I'm here to share my story. What I write is my opinion, take it or leave it. I don't for a second suggest you accept anything I have to say without doing your own research first. 

"I can't help feeling, we could've had it all". My second caesarean was a result of a failed VBAC attempt. The hospital system let me down. I can't help feeling that had I gone about things differently, I could've had all I wanted.

I can't decide which of two quotes from Adele's lyrics best sum up how I'm feeling right now.

"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold". One thing that is helping me through this is the fact that I am taking my negative experiences and holding onto the hope that they are going to make this journey even sweeter.

I think my favourite is:

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do"