It's kind of funny; starting this blog before I even try to conceive again. I feel like I have so much to get out but almost like it's not worth writing about. I think I need to remember that in the end, this is for me to read back over and is a record of how I approach this healing birth, so no matter how trivial my thoughts may seem, if I want to get them out I should.
At the minute I am playing the waiting game. My medical records are on their way. I got a letter on Thursday confirming my photocopying payment had been received and that my file was in the photocopying pile. I have no idea how big that pile is but I think I'll ring on Monday or Tuesday to find out. I am scared. I don't know what my labour with my son looked like from the outside. I'm also scared that reading it all will make everything fresh again. Of course it will! I'm not looking forward to reading how far I got in terms of dilation. For some reason I was sure I got to 4cm. But reading back over my birth story the other day, I'd written 8cm. Makes it so much worse that I was 2 freaking cm away from being fully dilated and I failed. 2cm. Not 6cm like I'd thought. 2cm seems like nothing. 2cm is nothing.
Hubby and I also had a moment of "screw this, let's just have a baby now". I am close to certain that I was past being fertile for this month but I guess we'll wait and see. I doubt I am pregnant but it's still confusing. Part of me hopes so badly I am, and another part doesn't know how to cope with the thought that I might be.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The fears that plague me
Have been talking a bit more with hubby this past week about the whole home birth thing. He supports me because it is what I want to do, but I need to know that he wants to do it for his own reasons. I need him to support me with everything he has not just the part of him that wants me to be happy. We spoke about some of our fears and I figure one of the best ways to work through them is to get them out in the open.
1) I am terrified I will end up with another c-section. That we will pay all that money and still end up back where we started. I'm worried that something will happen before labour starts that means a c-section is necessary. I don't know how I would cope with the remainder of my pregnancy knowing I was heading back into the operating theatre rather than a pool in my loungeroom. I'm trying to work through the fact that it may happen and that my aim here isn't a vaginal birth, it's a birth where I feel empowered and in control, a birth where I make the decisions and am happy with them before, during and after.
2) I am terrified that everything will go perfectly, but it will be one big fat let down. That I'll be left wondering what the big deal was and why I cared so much. I spoke to the midwife about that fear and she assured me that none of the women she worked with for a VBAC ever felt disappointed. On the contrary, it meants so much more because they had worked so much harder.
3) I am terrified something will happen to the baby and people will blame me for homebirthing. I'm terrified that if something did happen, hubby would blame me and I don't know that we'd get through something like that. I know that this fear can be resolved by talking it out with hubby now, making sure he is making his own decision to homebirth, that he understands that bad things can happen in hospitals too.
4) I am scared of uterine rupture or other complications that may result in me not being able to have more children. I can't imagine having a body that is incapable of carrying babies. Even when our family is complete, I will still love the knowledge of what my body can do.
5) I am scared that I will have an amazing support network and be all set, and someone will pull out at the last minute leaving me with the options of hospital birth or unassisted birth.
6) I am scared that before I even conceive, the midwifery legislation will change, preventing IM's from attending HBACs.
7) I am even terrified that when the time comes, I won't even be able to get pregnant. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to my uterus. I am terrified something went wrong at my last c-section and I won't be able to have more children.
8) I am terrified that when push comes to shove, we will not be able to afford a home birth.
I am NOT terrified of labour, the pain, pushing, birthing my baby. That, I know I can handle.
1) I am terrified I will end up with another c-section. That we will pay all that money and still end up back where we started. I'm worried that something will happen before labour starts that means a c-section is necessary. I don't know how I would cope with the remainder of my pregnancy knowing I was heading back into the operating theatre rather than a pool in my loungeroom. I'm trying to work through the fact that it may happen and that my aim here isn't a vaginal birth, it's a birth where I feel empowered and in control, a birth where I make the decisions and am happy with them before, during and after.
2) I am terrified that everything will go perfectly, but it will be one big fat let down. That I'll be left wondering what the big deal was and why I cared so much. I spoke to the midwife about that fear and she assured me that none of the women she worked with for a VBAC ever felt disappointed. On the contrary, it meants so much more because they had worked so much harder.
3) I am terrified something will happen to the baby and people will blame me for homebirthing. I'm terrified that if something did happen, hubby would blame me and I don't know that we'd get through something like that. I know that this fear can be resolved by talking it out with hubby now, making sure he is making his own decision to homebirth, that he understands that bad things can happen in hospitals too.
4) I am scared of uterine rupture or other complications that may result in me not being able to have more children. I can't imagine having a body that is incapable of carrying babies. Even when our family is complete, I will still love the knowledge of what my body can do.
5) I am scared that I will have an amazing support network and be all set, and someone will pull out at the last minute leaving me with the options of hospital birth or unassisted birth.
6) I am scared that before I even conceive, the midwifery legislation will change, preventing IM's from attending HBACs.
7) I am even terrified that when the time comes, I won't even be able to get pregnant. I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to my uterus. I am terrified something went wrong at my last c-section and I won't be able to have more children.
8) I am terrified that when push comes to shove, we will not be able to afford a home birth.
I am NOT terrified of labour, the pain, pushing, birthing my baby. That, I know I can handle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)