It's kind of funny; starting this blog before I even try to conceive again. I feel like I have so much to get out but almost like it's not worth writing about. I think I need to remember that in the end, this is for me to read back over and is a record of how I approach this healing birth, so no matter how trivial my thoughts may seem, if I want to get them out I should.
At the minute I am playing the waiting game. My medical records are on their way. I got a letter on Thursday confirming my photocopying payment had been received and that my file was in the photocopying pile. I have no idea how big that pile is but I think I'll ring on Monday or Tuesday to find out. I am scared. I don't know what my labour with my son looked like from the outside. I'm also scared that reading it all will make everything fresh again. Of course it will! I'm not looking forward to reading how far I got in terms of dilation. For some reason I was sure I got to 4cm. But reading back over my birth story the other day, I'd written 8cm. Makes it so much worse that I was 2 freaking cm away from being fully dilated and I failed. 2cm. Not 6cm like I'd thought. 2cm seems like nothing. 2cm is nothing.
Hubby and I also had a moment of "screw this, let's just have a baby now". I am close to certain that I was past being fertile for this month but I guess we'll wait and see. I doubt I am pregnant but it's still confusing. Part of me hopes so badly I am, and another part doesn't know how to cope with the thought that I might be.
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