Last night, I went to the Maternity Coalition movie night as planned. I was full of anxiety on my way there. no idea what to expect, although I was certain I would bawl my eyes out. They played "It's my body, my baby, my birth", then the interviews that went with it. There was a talk from a midwife from the Mercy Hospital Birthing Centre, then some amateur film makers showed a preview of what they are working on.
I didn't cry. I was very surprised. I felt a whole range of emotions but I managed to keep them to myself.
So the confusion? I want another baby. No, actually, I'm not ready for that. Not emotionally, not physically, and not financially. Right now, I want another pregnancy, and another shot at a natural birth. So I'm confused, because what if I'm never ready for another baby? But I have such a deep longing to be pregnant and give birth. I'm actually quite sure I'd "deal" with another baby just to get the birth I want. Of course I'd be ecstatic about having a baby. I love my children and I'd love to have another, but the thought of three kids scares the proverbial outta me. I feel like my head is spinning around in circles. How on earth am I going to know, when the time comes, that I am making the choice to have another baby for the right reasons. And then what if I don't get the birth I want. Am I just going to keep trying until I do? Produce my own little flock of children just so I can experience a natural child-birth. And then, when/if I do get that experience I am searching for, what if it doesn't do for me what I am expecting it to? What if I'm left feeling totally underwhelmed with the whole shabang?
Blech. I just don't know what to think.
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