There's a Fire...

Ok, so what am I doing here? Who knows really. My son is 15 months old and I still hold a lot of negative emotions about his arrival. I managed to bury it all a few weeks after he was born. It was still there, but I kept it deep enough to ignore. Recently, it's all come flooding to the surface. I've done a lot of healing in the last two weeks, but it is only a very small fraction of what is to come. The biggest indicator to me that I have acheived anything is the title of this blog. It would have been "Journey to a VBAC" but that was taken. So I thought about it and really, what I need is not a VBAC. It's an empowering birth that I am satisfied with. A healing birth. I've been trying to start this blog for a while, but felt like I didn't really have anywhere to start. It was all personal thinking that was really just going around in circles, but tonight, I am heading to a movie night hosted by the Maternity Coalition and thought that maybe, there might be some things from there I want to document. So, here I am. Below you'll find some random thoughts. Please, don't be fooled into thinking that I will always be as deep, or as, erm... poetic? in my writing. I'm here to document my story. For my own records, so I can look back and see how far I've come, and for the remote possibility that someone may stumble across it and may discover something that may help them in their journey. I'd love to hear any questions, comments or anything really, so please don't hesitate to follow, and interact. I am a fairly open book.

I've been listening to Rolling in the Deep by Adele a lot lately (Ok, I confess, I've been listening to the Glee version actually). I'm finding I relate to a lot of the lyrics when it comes to my reason for starting this blog. I've been thinking about birth a lot lately.

"There's a fire, starting in my heart". I've discovered that this something I am very passionate about. I have two children. Both were delivered via caesarean section. I still can't bring myself to consider them "born". I didn't give birth to them. They were delivered. Thankfully, this hasn't affected the way I feel about them. At the time of my first caesarean, I believed it to be necessary, but I'm discovering the motivations behind caesareans aren't always in the interests of mother and baby.

"Finally, I can see you crystal clear". I see the medical profession for what it really is when it comes to pregnancy and birth. A business. Simple. Sure, they do come in handy now and then. I am not here to quote statistics (at least not yet), nor lay claims about the good, the bad and the ugly of the birthing business. I'm here to share my story. What I write is my opinion, take it or leave it. I don't for a second suggest you accept anything I have to say without doing your own research first. 

"I can't help feeling, we could've had it all". My second caesarean was a result of a failed VBAC attempt. The hospital system let me down. I can't help feeling that had I gone about things differently, I could've had all I wanted.

I can't decide which of two quotes from Adele's lyrics best sum up how I'm feeling right now.

"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold". One thing that is helping me through this is the fact that I am taking my negative experiences and holding onto the hope that they are going to make this journey even sweeter.

I think my favourite is:

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do"